The old friend returns.

Hi.  It would appear I spoke too soon on my last post regarding feeling confident and ready to push forward.  The last couple of days have seen the old 'friend' return.

Anxious, stomach doing cartwheels, tiredness, unable to fully focus on any one thing.  All the old traits of good old anxiety biting at my ankles again.  This time, I could see it coming, but because I was so wrapped up in promoting the podcast, working, planning for christmas, I didn't stop the cycle in time and have allowed it to take hold.  More than anything else though, I feel like an idiot. 

Thursday and Friday this past week I was stuck with low mood, and depression.  Frustrated at my apparent failings at promoting my podcast.  Saturday evening, the anxiety began to bite.  The nerves starting to jangle.  Joy.

But because I haven't been taking proper care of myself in that I haven't been relaxing, i've found that my breathing exercises were simply too late to have a real impact. I'm sat writing this now thinking how much of an arse I am for putting so much pressure on myself to promote a podcast.  This intensity, this strict work ethic for something that is meant to just be something to do really.  I've burnt the candle at both ends and stood on the middle bit. 

I've decided to take a big step back with promoting the podcast.  It hasn't had a lot of interest, but the interest it has had has been promising.  I've decided to carry on doing them however, but more than anything else, for something to do.  I never really had anything in mind for the direction of the podcast either, which makes my anxiety and depression all the more baffling now its being typed infront of me.

Nobody can say they understand an anxiety episode until they have suffered one.  It's easy to say keep calm and carry on when your body wants to cry out and shut down.  I guess the annoying thing this time is that it was my own damn fault for becoming too serious, anxious, depressed and impatient in something which is only really a hobby. 

I guess the recurring thought here is that anxiety and depression is always there and should be treated with respect.  Thinking it was simply vanishing is a foolish way of looking at it, and as I have found out ignoring the signs and thinking that you can just carry on is not, the best idea.